It’s been a strange time of late. Locked in, locked down, in Iso- social distancing, all catch phrases of a hopefully temporary situation. With the unfolding of time, I find myself not able to work and literally house bound. My focus then has become domestic. Domesticity is a bit of a dirty word for women these days even though women still find themselves engaged in a fair degree of domesticity all the same. Hopefully the gender divide continues to close there and it has done and will do I’m sure. Sometimes people who are home bodies or choose for a time to be in the home or are in these current times having to be at home, are seen as having “no life.” It’s another catch phrase we bandy about as though “home” isn’t life, as though “home” isn’t important but it is so very essential. I’ve written such words before. I do so again because according to my view count there’s possibly nobody reading my words and it's become more of a way to sort out my thoughts to blog. If anyone should be. Let’s just imagine I’m wildly popular and a celebrity then you have a one- on -one with someone “important” and it might bump up your cred to know me or then again don’t think like that because all of us in the same boat, just wanting to be loved. That’s the equaliser in it all. 
I embarked on the triannual Nicla Byrnes clean out over the last few weeks, upturning cupboards, rifling through drawers full of paperwork, old scripts, old photos, memories, keepsakes, warrantees and clothes, lots and lots of clothes. It always makes me both happy and not so happy. Time passes quickly which can be frightening. Some memories are of life, death, painful goodbyes and joyful hellos. Im not stuck in the past. I think the past is a reference point. History is the reverence of life. It’s the mistakes, the learning, the building blocks, the pain, the letting go and the holding on.
I came across an old photo of myself dressed in a hot pink dress in my teens off to a pink themed party. I was secretly excited about buying a pink dress. I had a blue room growing up. I accepted the colour well enough as I was told it suited me more than pink, which was my older sister’s colour. Hence forth I was given a lot of blue items, blue plates, blue dresses, blue tights even blue underwear. I came to love the colour blue too. It is such a beautiful colour in nature that’s for sure but the “little girl” or “inner child” or whatever you might call it, in me seemed to have been given permission to be dressed in pink for the birthday party and that felt good. It wasn’t because of gender stereotypes, blue for boys, pink for girls it was more about a point of choice, about growing up about something different. Well I thought I was pretty damned grown up but looking at the picture I look oh so very young, trying to be bolder in hot pink but really very shy and a little bit awkward.
I stopped for a while to look at the picture in relation to now and what’s been going on all round the world. Some of the people at that party would go on to be more of the life of a party and some wouldn’t so much. Some would have an impact wide and some not so wide. But how wide is wide and how deep is deep? Numbers are not as relevant as we make them sometimes, effort and trying and intent, honesty and love can be a small closeness but deep too. Everyone has a different way, some more inner, some more outer. Some people might not be the life of a party right then, but might be a constant gentle ride. They might see themselves as a “regular Joe.” There’s no such thing as regular or ordinary to me. There’s no such thing as “having no life.” Sometimes people get stuck in their sadness. It can seem like they have no life. They still do. Where there is life there is life, a chance for something small or bigger. Some people have always felt like they are in Iso. Some people have experienced isolation, prejudice on the grounds of race, beliefs, sexual orientation or just being that quiet one waiting for a space to be seen in a world of loud “go getters.” Perhaps they don’t want to “go” or “get” they wish to be present in small steps forward.
Some people are very discerning of their social circle. They might find safety in numbers or find solace in a pair or small group or even singularity at times too. Popularity is a strange little word. Some people didn’t need a “lock down” to feel locked up to feel used or abused, taken advantage of or taken for granted.
Someone I knew once told me older people become invisible. Not for a single second did I think of this person as invisible. Youth is wonderful, Age is Wisdom too. Let us love the aging of humanity and embrace the sparks of new life in equal measures.
Some degree of lonely is regular, some degree of isolation or separateness is healthy but I wish on my Birthday today for a world that accepts vulnerability, shyness and bold efforts and for the power to rest in love not in power itself. I’m not a guru, I’m not that big, I’m a woman who loves people as best she can and looks to harmony and togetherness, peace and good will. Xx
